loss

Its only been three days since my mom passed. The initial shock is over, but when you lose a parent its always going to be there...that empty space is always going to be there.

Losing a parent is never easy and I never thought it was going to happen. I mean I knew someday it would, but not how it happened. We were having a party for Carter and my dad called me. We booked it back over the boarder to Michigan.

It was sudden, she didn't even know what hit her when it hit. She had no pain. She just told my dad it was going to be one of those days that it is hard to breathe and then he looked over and she was gone. I saw her Friday and she was happy and excited to go away for the weekend (which is what they did Saturday when she passed) They were up north looking at the leaves.

We knew it was going to happen. She had a heart attack when I was 15 (16 years ago) and they gave her 10 years. Then 5 years or so ago they told us that the blockage was just to bad in one of the arteries that they couldn't do anything for it and it was only time. She was due to get a new aortic valve in a few months as well.

What matters the most to me is that she got to be a grandma for 2 years. Carter was her pride and joy. I"m happy she got to see him one last time and said that she loved him. He knows shes not here he goes around and says "gramma gone"  Just the other day he took an old cell phone, opened it and went "hello gramma" I lost it. I know he misses her so much too. Im happy she got the time she did to be a grandma. She wanted to be one so bad.

I am doing ok until I think about the small things Carter does or says about her. I had the joy of going through all the photos for the dvd the funeral home is making and it has helped. Her memory is always going to live on in photos because she took so many! I had to go thru a memory card of 1106 photos! It was fun though, my brother and I laughed at the old photos and how they looked, even how we looked int he 80s.

As much as I want to break down and cry and hide under a rock, I try to remember the good things about her. All the arguing and bickering we did means nothing to me now. Death truly changes you when it is some one close to you. She is in no pain and has no worries now. It makes me happy to know she isn't suffering any more.

We all love and miss her dearly.

The Battle

We are having two major battles here. One is milk, the other bed.
The problem with milk is that if he gets to much he cant #2 right! I had to take him off it while he was sick and then I gradually put him back on it a little at a time. I thought I had a good system going (3 times a day at meals) and then BOOM he starts puking from gagging again. So we stopped milk for another day, just to make sure (thank God for yogourt and cheese right?)
My solution, no milk at night...He gets two take and toss cups during the day. One in the morning ( this doesn't include his cereal milk) and one at lunch. I found out that if he gets any type of milk before sleeping time he gags.
I thought of switching him to soy/almond milk at the time, but I dont think its an intolerance issue. Its his stupid sickness!

As for bed, we changed his bed to a toddler day bed. Since he has been sick he has slept with me (irrational fear of him not breathing from compensating) So now that he is better he can go back in his bed. Easy right? NOPE. He refuses his bed to every degree he has. Night one he slept in there from 11-6 (with a bout of CIO) Last night was 9-6, no CIO, I sat next to him and moved away slowly ala Super Nanny. It worked too. He was out cold in 5 minutes and never made a peep!
I know one night isn't going to make a huge difference, but I Hope in some way it helped him understand that he needs to sleep in his bed again. We have done everything in our power to make his bed a cool place. He got a new night light...it has fish so its "Nemo" He has his whole gang of Sesame Street (plus 4 Elmos....I suspect he is the ring leader)

Its just amazing how little kids get something in their head and that is the way. Yea, I know my bed is better...but mama (and daddy) need time away from you!

Sickness

These past three weeks have been the hardest weeks in my life. I was sick with the flu, it was not fun. I was lucky enough to have five days off to recover. But with that Carter got my sickness and it turned into pneumonia. It scared me so much to see him like that. He is still coughing from it today, but has great lung sounds and his xray was good too. His doctor has ordered him to be on his plumicort until march with no incidences. I hope to God that he does not get sick like this again these coming cooler seasons. It scares me so much that in his short life he has had three major lung sicknesses (RSV, bronchitis and pneumonia).
He hates to sit and take his medicine though. He is on albuterol (3-5 times a day) and the plumicort ( twice daily). His pedi has said to start to wean him off the albuterol. I was confused on the two medicines until last week.
Albuterol [I will call it AB] is a bronchodilator that relaxes muscles in the airways and increases air flow to the lungs.
Albuterol inhalation is used to treat or prevent bronchospasm in people with reversible obstructive airway disease. Albuterol is also used to prevent exercise-induced bronchospasm. (http://www.drugs.com/albuterol.html)

Pulmicor [I will call it P] contains budesonide which is a corticosteroid. Budesonide prevents the release of substances in the body that cause inflammation.
Pulmicort is used to prevent asthma attacks. It will not treat an asthma attack that has already begun. It works by decreasing irritation and swelling in the airways, which helps to control or prevent asthma symptoms. (http://www.drugs.com/pulmicort.html)

In a nut shell AB is fast acting, it lasts from 4-8 hours in the system and then you need another one. Right now Carter is getting minimum three to maximum five a day. The pedi wants him off them with in five days. P is the preventative medicine to try to stop the inflammation, like said above it will not stop it (which is what the AB is for). Now, for the next six months Carter is on the P and we will have him assessed again to see how is progress is.

What sucks is that this is the time he always gets sick, its just the time in general everyone gets sick. The weather is changing, allergies act up and sometimes it gets worse. I have to be on pins and needles every time the poor child coughs because it scares me that he could be sick again. I am always checking his lungs to make sure he is not wheezing. My EMT instructor was so right about not knowing your lung sounds until you hear them for yourself. Pneumonia sounds disgusting. I cannot even describe it to you. The best I can say is imagine having a wet rag in your lung and attempting to breathe.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9C5RFb1qWT8 ---> is what it sounds like. And for my baby to have that made it even worse.

What was even harder was that I was giving him the treatments and they were not working. It took a trip to the pedi and the ER (with a prescription for an antibiotic, which confirmed he had bacterial pneumonia)


As for the other man in my life, he isn't doing to hot either. He went into the hospital when I was sick with major chest pains and the doctors said he had massive reflux. They gave him some medication (which was to strong for him and made him sick) He went to his GP and he thinks he has an ulcer. He has a scope in November (two months away...joy) For now we are just doing trial and error for what he can do and cannot do. I have found some natural things to help him with the pain, as well as xantac to help in the mean time. We even got peppermint Altoids because I read that peppermint is supposed to help (double duty in some aspect too, fresh breath...calming stomach) It is so bad that he can't even work. He is taking a leave of absence starting very soon and moving back home. The stress is getting to both of us. He (and I and Carter) are miserable. I hate to see him like this because this is not him. He has lost a lot of weight because he can't eat.

What makes it harder is that he is 5 hours away and I cannot do anything to help. I feel so helpless because the man I love is in pain and I am supposed to be there for him and I can't be. He seems happier already that he will be home soon and get the rest he needs. He has told me for almost 2 weeks now that he hates his job because of the stress. I don't blame him. Pearson is a huge air port and he is running around the whole thing trying to check his guards and make sure they are doing their job. It may sound like an easy job, but there is so much he has to do regarding licenses (he needs his air side, one to drive on the tarmac, one to get into certain parts of the airport, etc) and they are hounding him. He works 12 hour days. Drives 45-90 minutes back and forth for a commute. And his words "deals with idiots" daily. Its all unneeded stress in his life. They ask him why he hasn't got them and he is honest and tells them that he has no time, even on his days off he doesn't want to deal with work (who does really?)

Right now we are just taking it one day at a time and hoping that everyone is going to get better in due time. Being sick is the hardest thing for a family. It puts so much stress on people. You can do everything to prevent it, but sometimes it just will not work.

its all about the money...and health

I was just talking to my mom about money...its always her main topic of discussion because there never seems to be enough. I was trying to tell her how to cut down on the things she doesn't need to make more money for the things she needs.
#1 is pop. Meijer has sales on pop at least twice a month for 8 bottles (20 oz) for 4 packs for $11, plus the .10 cent deposit. So, that is $14.20 a month on pop. If she cut that out that's $170.40 saved! You can even get soda water and add things to it for that fizz need and still save money.
#2 is potato chips. Its close to $4 a bag. You can get 5 lbs of potatoes for the same price and make your own. You can save almost $50 a year on that if you make your own, plus all of the other things you can do with potatoes.
#3 is snack food. Its empty calories in anyone's diet. Little Debbie needs to die sometimes. Your cheap "food" is killing us. Sure its yummy, but I can make cookies for cheaper than your 12 yummy treats. I prefer fruits and veggies over the snacks. I can feel better (and fuller) with something of health and nutrition. Like right now my fave meal is sauteed onions and mushrooms with some pepper and garlic salt with cottage cheese. Its so yummy!
Same goes with meat. The red meat all the time isnt good. Add some chicken or fish int here! I love fish I adore it really. There is so much you can add to it to make it taste awesome. A little spice goes a long way sometimes.

Sometimes its amazing what little things can help you. I am no exception. I have cut a lot of things out of my life to make sure Carter has the things he needs. I have cut out candy and pop and I honestly feel great. I just put things in water now to give me that sweet I crave. Even grapes kick the sweet tooth crave too. Now I dont go denying myself it either. I tend to have ice cream once a week or two just to give me a chocolate boost (Cookie dough ice cream all the way!) Plus I measure my stuff. You'd be amazed how far things go when you measure. Plus you don't over do it when you keep an exact amount of what you have.

Now that I have talked about making potato chips I am going to. Maybe that will be another post.

You can work out TO much!

I decided for my sanity to do one work out a day. The past week I did yoga or abs with the shred. I wasn't going to bed until 2am because I was so pumped! Maybe I can ease back into it, but for today I did abs and Jillian kicked my ass (as always) I couldn't even finish it because I was in pain...I stop when it gets to that hurt point. I did break a sweat at least. Tomorrow will be the shred...I'm kinda excited to do it again. I would do it today, but no way I am way to tired already. Jillian is killer to me.

level 2

I started level 2 on the shred, I'm dying. But then its also harder and I have added another work out in there too. I feel awesome. I've lost nine pounds in 2 weeks. its getting more noticeable to me. I am kinda excited to see Nathan next weekend to see if he has noticed.
I have added yoga meltdown and 6 week 6 pack to my regime of Jillian Michaels work outs. She does work. I will not deny that one bit. I only got them Friday and have done them each once. I like them both and they are both killer too. They help me in different ways that you cannot believe. As much as I hate her, I love her too only because I am finally doing something about getting healthy. I want to be healthy and fit. If heavier people than me can do this, I know I can do it too. Its all about motivation.
Like, last night I did not want to do it because I really didn't have a good dinner (one hot dog, but also had cottage cheese and tomato as a side to it and some watermelon for dessert) But I am amazed how just that one thing made me feel blah. But I knew that if I didn't do it that crap of a dinner would get to me. Let's just say I am sore today. My sides hurt from Friday still from all the ab work I did, but I am not going to lie I like it. I know my muscles are changing for the better.
When I started this I was on the brink of 200 pounds. I have never been that heavy in my life (I was like 190 and HATED IT) I am down to 180-182. I am almost to pre-pregnancy weightm which is 176. That is my first goal to get there. Once I hit that I want to get down to 145-150 minimum. That is a good spot for me. I was that when Nathan and I met and was happy there. I checked my BMI for that range and its perfect. At the moment I am just over weight. For my height anything lower than 145 is just sickly. I got down to 130 at one time and I looked horrible. I was TOO SKINNY. Plus the diet I was on wasn't a good one either. Power bars and salad don't do a body good.
I have changed how I eat. I cut out pop ( I have had one at the movies last week and barely drank it, I prefer my water now) On the topic of water I drink it all the time! I have a cup by me as we speak/type/read. I tend to fill it up 2-3 times a day and when I work out I drink a couple of them because I sweat so much more. As for food I just make better choices. I dont snack on junk food. Where I babysit, they tend to have a lot of processed foods, so I take grapes or cukes or something of health with me so I do not go nuts. I do not miss junk food (though today is rest/cheat day and I got me cookie dough ice cream. I have been dreaming about it since Friday.)
Maybe I will be brave enough to post photos of me soon. I have pics, I can see my difference, but I don't know if people want to see my in my underwear!

30 day shred

I cannot get enough of this work out. As much as I do not like Jillian Michaels,I have to say I love her for this because she works you to the bone and makes you want to die!
Day one I wanted to die
Day two I wanted to die again
Day three...getting better
day four...getting better
day five...wow this is easier
day six....I can do the whole thing
day seven....wow I can kick butt.

That is as far as I have gotten. I have taken one rest day. I felt like I shouldn't have done it, but I know my body needs a rest (and  cheat day) But I am so amazed that I can do this. If I can anyone can. Even she said that if 400 lb people can do jumping jacks, so can you. And it is totally true.
I know of a lot of ladies whom I love that are doing this program and it works. I have seen progress in 10 days that you would not believe.
I am not as sore as I used to be. So I know that my muscles are working better for me. I eat better. I don't snack much any more. I drink a ton of water. I still have my morning coffee. I will never give that up. I sleep better now too. Maybe that is because I do it at night, but who knows.
In a week I have lost 4 lbs. I want to lose a total of 35-40 lbs. It seems like a lot but some is baby, some is just lazy. I want it gone. It is a pain in the arse to look at yourself and see how you still look 5 months pregnant.

Its been a while

Since my last post I have passed my class. I am a certified EMT, but I still need to get my license. I have seen my classmates take it and say its easy, but test taking has never been easy for me. Once I take it I will have a better job by far (not that I don't enjoy watching kids, but sitting on my bum all day isn't my cup of tea). I've just been chilling and enjoying Carter as he is growing more and more (and talking more and more) He is getting so big. He will be 2 in October and its hard to think that my 6lb 15 oz little baby is growing into a little boy. He is so smart. Just watching his actions proves to me how smart he is. He talks as a 2 year old would..1-3 word sentences and words here and there and lots of babble. He is just so funny all the time. He is a mama's boy to the end of the world.
Nathan is being transferred to the International airport in Toronto because the contract with his company was lost and a new company came in. He talked to them, but they didn't impress him. We were worried about what was going to happen to us. He has only been there a short time. But I knew his boss wouldn't let him hang. He was offered the same job, with a dollar less an hour, BUT can move into management at the airport. So I think its a better opportunity for him. In a years time he could have a better job (maybe less time) What ever it takes to get us there so  we can be together. This twice a month stuff isn't flying with us.
As for me I started to work out (30 day shred) I like it. its just enough to get me started until I get into bigger and better work outs (p90x) I need to lose weight. I am sick of looking 5 months pregnant all the time. Plus there is a small thing called a wedding!

ER time

The ER is a totally different page from EMS. You are on the go the whole time. Honestly, I love it because I don't have to worry about much. You barely have time to think for yourself. I have 4 six hour shifts to do and am half way done. The first one was easy because it was a slow day. Last night was hell on wheels honestly because The only break I had was at 1030 to eat and go to the bathroom. It was a nice 20 min.
I have learned so much in the little time I have been in the ER. I know that little six year old girls are a hell of a lot tougher than 16 year old boys. We had at least four car accidents yesterday. The little girl had a three inch laceration on her scalp to which you could see her skull. She got 14 staples put in her head. I told her she was braver than I was when I cut my thumb and had to get three stitches.
Labs, they smell like pee...
Hospital beds are a lot harder to manuver than you think.
Your hands smell like rubber no matter how much you wash them...Its been 12 hours and I can still smell it and I have had a shower and have washed my hands at least 12 times since 8am.
Coffee becomes your BFF again...especially after I kind of stopped drinking it because when you get done at midnight and it takes 30 min to get home and 30 min to fall asleep, you do not get to sleep till 1am and then with a toddler you are up at 7. 

I really have not seen anything bad per-say. My worst was watching some one puke, I do not do puke...not even my sons.  Blood, guts, gashes...bring it.
I think the one thing I would love to avoid (ok maybe two) is CPR and babies. I don't know how well I would handle seeing a small baby in the ER hooked up to things. Some one who is so helpless and who cannot tell us what is wrong makes me squirm. I had to take my son into the ER at 4 months48...........

With that I had to stop and help my mom. She fell. I called 911 and I had to hold her c-spine because she was in such a bad seizure that she was hitting hte back of her head.She broke her hip in may 2010 and her leg just looked off. I can do diabeties and get her out of that, but the leg I cannot do to much.

.............As I was saying I had to take my son into the ER at 4 months old for RSV. It was the worst thing ever. He was so sick. Thank God he did not need an IV I would have lost it.

Well that is about all I have to say for now because I am so full of adrenaline that I can barely type.

mind changing

I feel so indecisive sometimes about making my schedule for clinicals. I thought I would originally do two 12 hr shifts and i changed my mind and decided to do four 6 hour ones because it seems more reasonable to do it that way. One I will get more of a variety of things to do, two I get to work with my row buddies.
I just don't want to overwhelm myself with it. I know its go go go in the Er so it will go a lot faster than six hours at one of the bases.

Maybe I wont like the hospital, maybe I will. All I know is that an ER tech makes A LOT more than an EMT. I hope that I can get into a hospital somewhere to do this because I need money. I need to start saving to move. Moving into another country is not an easy task. I have to make a list (and check it twice) to make sure that immigration doesn't have issues with it.

But I will be so happy when the day comes that My family will be all together. I don't know who it is harder on..Carter or Nathan. We are five hours away from one another. If it wasn't for msn video chat I don't know what we would do. We see each other every other weekend and try to video chat on the days he has off. It sucks when you have a little boy who is in love with his daddy. I will be happy when Friday gets here and we see him.

The hardest thing...

The hardest part about being an EMT is watching some one contained on a long board and cot asking you "Am I going to make it?" And all I can say is yes you will be fine. Which my patient was fine, he survived...his car didn't, but he did. I told him we can replace cars and everything else, but you we cannot replace. You are more important to us than a car. Which is true. Cars are material things. The human life is so precious. The lady that caused the accident did not make it. It was bad timing on her part. She clipped one car and hit the other car head on. She was only 69.
I take great pride in knowing that I have saved a few lives in my short clinical time. After that accident I knew I could do it. As a basic EMT, there isn't much I will be able to do. But with what I can do I know it will make a difference in some ones life (or lives)
I guess this is my way of not letting things like a major accident get to me. I was told if we dwell on it to much you can go nuts. I don't want to have that happen. I still have my hospital clinical time to do, which I will see the other side. I may see more deaths. I dont know what I will see in the ER. I am nervous about that too.

That is me in the white. We were moving him from the car to the stretcher. It was not easy at all. You have  so many people around, shards of car, glass, gas, oil, you name it..its there. You gotta be on your toes and be prepared for the worst. The medic that worked the lady was so overwhelmed after wards that she wanted to break down.

Just some thoughts

When I started my EMT class back in February I never in a million years thought I would see the end of it. I was scared. Gradually I had gotten more and more comfortable with it.
Friday was my last EMT clinical before class is over. I got most of my experience that day. This is when I realised that I can do this. I can save a life. To know that my hands are going to help some one live is one of the best things I can ever imagine. To know that the man I helped is ok today makes me feel so much better. It is a part of me to help and to nurture. There is nothing else I want to do any more. I wish back when I started at U of M I went into nursing. Today I could be a nurse or a doctor! I felt that it was right to stick with my childhood dream of becoming a teacher. I guess my dream was wrong. I want to work in the medical field when I grow up.
I see things better now, knowing that "hey this is how such and such works" I was in awe of how such simple tasks we do in our body...like breathing. We do not think about it, but the way our brain, lungs,heart and other organs react is just a miracle. Even with how blood goes through the body. One little cell makes a huge trip do sustain life in us. Its amazing.