Tuesday, October 9, 2012

loss

Its only been three days since my mom passed. The initial shock is over, but when you lose a parent its always going to be there...that empty space is always going to be there.

Losing a parent is never easy and I never thought it was going to happen. I mean I knew someday it would, but not how it happened. We were having a party for Carter and my dad called me. We booked it back over the boarder to Michigan.

It was sudden, she didn't even know what hit her when it hit. She had no pain. She just told my dad it was going to be one of those days that it is hard to breathe and then he looked over and she was gone. I saw her Friday and she was happy and excited to go away for the weekend (which is what they did Saturday when she passed) They were up north looking at the leaves.

We knew it was going to happen. She had a heart attack when I was 15 (16 years ago) and they gave her 10 years. Then 5 years or so ago they told us that the blockage was just to bad in one of the arteries that they couldn't do anything for it and it was only time. She was due to get a new aortic valve in a few months as well.

What matters the most to me is that she got to be a grandma for 2 years. Carter was her pride and joy. I"m happy she got to see him one last time and said that she loved him. He knows shes not here he goes around and says "gramma gone"  Just the other day he took an old cell phone, opened it and went "hello gramma" I lost it. I know he misses her so much too. Im happy she got the time she did to be a grandma. She wanted to be one so bad.

I am doing ok until I think about the small things Carter does or says about her. I had the joy of going through all the photos for the dvd the funeral home is making and it has helped. Her memory is always going to live on in photos because she took so many! I had to go thru a memory card of 1106 photos! It was fun though, my brother and I laughed at the old photos and how they looked, even how we looked int he 80s.

As much as I want to break down and cry and hide under a rock, I try to remember the good things about her. All the arguing and bickering we did means nothing to me now. Death truly changes you when it is some one close to you. She is in no pain and has no worries now. It makes me happy to know she isn't suffering any more.

We all love and miss her dearly.

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