“Life moves pretty fast. If you don't stop and look around once in awhile, you could miss it.” Is what Ferris Bueller says as he's planning to skip school. He has a plan to seize the day. And he's totally right. Life does more fast. Blink and it's gone. Stop and look around at the positive things in life, because you will miss it.
Back in February, I received the news I never wanted to hear….ever. My cousin messaged me on facebook that I needed to call my brother, it was an emergency regarding my dad. So, naturally I called my dad first to see what was going on. No answer. I tried again, no answer again. Then I called my brother to see what was going on. “Amber, Dad killed himself.” My heart sank, I lost the one person in my life that I depended on. My son lost his best friend. My husband lost the father he never had. I sat on the couch in disbelief because I never thought this would happen. I just talked to him the day before and he was fine! We had gotten him a tablet so he could skype with our son, and I was explaining to him how to use it (again) He looked fine, he sounded fine. We didn't know anything was going on. I knew he had issues with his health, but was doing fine at the time and had things under control.
I sat there and cried as my husband called his mom and said that our son needs to come home now, something happened. I couldn't even be in the room when he told him. All I could hear was his sadness, his best friend was gone. My son was my dads world, his life, his everything. Same goes for my son. He told us that he loved his papa more than he loved us and honestly that was ok with me, it will always be ok with him.
That first few weeks were a blur. I didn't know what to think, feel, anything. I was angry, sad, confused, you name it. My poor brother just had surgery and we had to do this. He was in worse shape mentally and physically. I am so thankful for all my family that came to help us. I don't know what I would do without them! Everyone pulled together and we got what we needed to get done in the time we had.
This time was just different compared to the loss of my mom. It was just not expected, it put a harsh aspect on reality. It proves life is short, no matter how long you live. It can be gone in a blink of an eye.
The hardest part was explaining it to my seven year old son. How this was different then how grandma died. We told him that he can talk about it to whomever he wants to talk to. It can be us, it can be a counselor, it can be anyone. Just don't keep it in. Let it out. Cry, be angry, be sad. Just don't let it consume you. I think he is doing good. He tells me he misses his papa a lot, we all do. Everyday there is something that I wish I could call him and ask him a question about something that I didn't know. I have had a few of those days lately. Life is hard when you don't have the one person you need. I am a daddy’s girl, so this was hard for me. Everything is still hard!
The day of his funeral was one of the hardest days of my life. My dad was a firefighter, a soldier, veteran, a husband, father, grandpa, son, brother, uncle, cousin and friend. Hearing the last call from the fire department was such a somer experience. Those words will echo with me forever. I will never forget hearing “This is the final call” and seeing the firemen and women come sault my dad. I have never seen this before and it's never affected me so much in my life. He was an Army Sergeant during the Vietnam War. He thankfully didn't get deployed. Regardless of deployment or not, he still served his country. I have his flag and dog tags and uniform. It is going to be one of my most prized positions. It is something that means the world to me. Having the Color Guard hand it to my brother and I was the most surreal thing. I don't know they do that. It's hard. Its an honor.
We put my parents at the Great Lakes National Cemetery. I would never have wanted anywhere else for them. It put me at peace with them being gone. It's such a beautiful place. Sad, but beautiful. We went to see them in August for the first time. I left them some flowers from my grandmas funeral (I have had a horrible year for death in the family. We have had three in six months) But I know she is with him. My dad was her baby and she was never the same. She died six months to the day of when my dad did.
My grandma’s death wasn't a shock like my dads. She was 103 and lived an amazing full life. The hard part of this was watching her slowly go, she was ready though. But she would always say “my baby, I lost my baby.” It broke our hearts. I cannot imagine what she went through. We didn't even take her to the funeral, because she probably wouldn't have even made it though it. I don't even think she made it down to their niche. I got to see her two months before she died and she was her normal funny, spunky self. The grandma that we all loved dearly. I told her I loved her and she said the same. I knew it was probably the last time I would ever see her.
Death is so hard on people. It doesn't matter if its a suicide or a natural death. It does happen. When there is an end, there is a new beginning. It may take awhile to realise it, but good things do happen.
Also remember if you are having a hard time and are thinking about suicide, PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE call someone, talk to someone. There are people who care for you! Call 1-800-273-8255 (TALK), it's the suicide prevention line. There are strangers who care for you. IF you don't want to talk, you can text too, Text “HOME” to 741-741. Someone will always be there to talk and listen. I will listen to you too. I will be a friend and listen.
